La Buddhiste Francaise

I’ve been stressed lately. Definitely not feeling myself. I keep saying it’s because I have so much going on in my life right now. My career is going fantastic, but is keeping me busy and taking a lot out of me. My kids, while older, seem to need me more than ever as they grow into adulthood with all the ‘real’ problems thrown at them. The problems aren’t about why they can’t find their ‘woobie’. They are more involved, more serious, more mental. My volunteer work while satisfying is demanding more and more. And while all this is happening, I have menopause symptoms rearing their ugly head.

I’ve been trying to desperately to ‘fix’ my life structure. Thinking of myself like a castle. Tall and solid. Protecting me from everything I have to deal with. However, these stressful things in my life are like catapults and trebuchets hurtling objects at me that are meant to tear me down. And for a while the castle walls hold, but eventually as more and more of these ‘life things’ lay siege on my castle, the walls start to lose their structural integrity. It’s just too much.

I feel I’ve been in the middle of a castle siege, a losing one on my part, and I’m frantically trying to shore it up, keep the structure intact, protect my citizens. And boy have I tried and failed. I’ve had a trip to Hawaii that I was miserable at. Anniversary vacations with my husband where I felt the stress in my life was the main character in our weekend getaway. My ‘trash tv’ shows no longer satisfied my cravings and provided me with their much needed light-heartedness and motivation. Even fashion didn’t do it for me anymore. I couldn’t find inspiration in anything I owned nor anything I could find at the stores.

But it wasn’t until today that I thought maybe I’m looking at this all wrong. I read a book that I wasn’t expecting to get much out of. I chose it simply because I wanted to read something that ‘didn’t require brain cells’. Boy did it catch me by surprise in to most amazing way.

“Paris is Always a Good Idea’ by Jenn Finlay. My savior. I’m not going to spoil the story, but the learning from it really opened my eyes and I’m already feeling a bit better after finishing it. It might have been the multiple times that I’ve ugly -cried today as I wrapped up the book, but truly I am feeling lighter, refreshed, hopeful.

The learning is this… sometimes you have to completely tear down the thoughts, plans, and ‘actions’ you were doing in order to start anew. To go back to the castle analogy, you can only repair your walls so many times. Eventually, you have to bite the bullet, take the super scary leap, and just tear down your walls. From there you can build new ones in whatever way, shape, form, height you want. As well as for what you personally need for where you are in your life right now.

The walls I needed to tear down were being everyone’s go-to person 24-7. Trying to fix everyone else’s problems. Trying to control all aspects of my life. Living with self-imposed expectations that I could never quite get to live up to.

The new walls I’m building… not to give a F— about as much anymore that isn’t truly important to me. I don’t have to do everything. It’s ok to let other people handle things, it will be ok. Throw out the expectations and look for the light-hearted happy parts of life.

I’ve got six days off work with no trips planned, just staying at home to help figure out more about what I want my walls to look like. I’ve got a couple days with the husband on a work trip, so even more solitary time there. And the rest of my obligations can be gently put to the side for the remainder of this time. This time of exploring, rebuilding.

I have no idea what my new walls are going to look like, but I know for sure they aren’t going to be the same damp, stone cold grey slabs that made up the tall thick turrets of my old wall. I’m thinking my new walls might be some beautiful cedar shake on the outside, some pretty wallpaper on the inside, and full of every single thing that makes me truly happy.