La Buddhiste Francaise

Was doing my morning spirituality practices. I use the Moonly app and read my horoscope for the day as well as my daily affirmation. Then I have one card pulled to guide my day as well as one rune. These are usually really eye-opening for me and even the so-called ‘negative’ cards/runes inspire me for the day.

Today though my rune really got me thinking and feeling so much better about myself…

Some background on me… I’m a 70’s baby, so not a spring chicken, but I’ve never really felt like a ‘grown-up’. Perhaps it’s my size (super petite), but I’ve never felt like an ‘adult’. I’ve always felt like I never knew enough, never had enough experience, never had the right tools to ‘sit at the adult table’. This fed directly into my imposter syndrome. It also fed into my awkwardness around people in social and personal settings.

I’ve been working on myself though, helping to understand who I truly am, who I want to be, cultivate those parts of me I love, replant so-to-speak those parts of me I don’t. Started it in my thirties and boy have I seen the growth in myself. But as I get thrown into new and different things (hello new job role???), I still struggle with the feelings of inadequacy, that I’m not ready, that I’m not adult/professional enough.

Recently the work I’ve been doing on myself and the success I’ve been having at work have shown me tiny glimpses, small ‘a-ha!’ moments where I’m like ‘holy $hit! I do know what the heck I’m doing!” but then they vanish quickly. Just a glimmer. Was it a mirage or did I really just feel some natural confidence of “I do know what the heck I’m doing”?

My rune today helped me to realize that I’m not seeing mirages. Today I pulled the Hagalaz rune. Hagalaz is the rune of radical change and transformation. It symbolizes what is out of your control but also that there is a shifting of your world to a new different energy level through transformation. I’ve been working towards transformation for almost two decades now under the guise of ‘fake it ’til you make it’. I’ve consistently operated under the ‘fake it’ part of that statement, yet oddly enough, this morning I’m feeling more of the ‘make it’ part. And it feels amazing.

The part of the Hagalaz studies that really brought this concept home for me… quoted from the Moonly app… “Hagalaz leads to psychological birth- rupture of the umbilical cord, separation from parental figures, a change in worldview, greater self-sufficiency and a sense of maturity”. Could this be me finally ‘growing up’, feeling like an ‘adult’, coming into my own?

I feel calmer this morning. I feel more assured of myself. My anxiety is oddly way, way down after these thoughts and ‘revelations’ if I might be so bold to call them that. I weirdly ‘feel’ more like a grown up, a professional, a woman (not a girl) who’s got her $hit together. Is it still $hit? Of course it is, I’m human. Lol. But it at leasts feels like my $hit’s together which helps me to feel that I can handle it. All of it. Whatever it may be. I feel like I’m ‘faking’ it a little less and ‘making’ it a little more and wow does that ever feel good.

“Fake it ’til you make it’ really works… who-da thought???